WEEKLY PARSHA

Written by Rabbi Gold

Friday, 26 March 2010 18:02

A RABBI'S GUIDE TO BEING HUMAN
SEXUAL ETHICS, SEXUAL HOLINESS

"The couple was madly in love; he loved himself and she loved herself."
(Yiddish Saying)

       These past weeks I have written about holiness and rising above the animal within us. I have written about controlling the evil inclination and developing the good inclination. Now it is time to apply these fundamental ideas to one of the most powerful forces in human life - the sexual drive.

       I have spoken around the world on my book Does God Belong in the Bedroom?   When I speak on sexual ethics, I usually begin with a wonderful story in the Talmud (Menachot 44a). A young rabbi hears about a beautiful prostitute who lives by the sea. He sends her a large sum of money and sets up a date with her. When he arrives, she is sitting on top of seven mattresses, six of silver and one of gold. The rabbi starts to climb up to have his way with her, when suddenly the tzitzit (ritual fringes) he is wearing fly up and hit him in the face. He cannot go through with the act.

       The woman is taken aback by this. The rabbi explains to her that he sees the fringes as witnesses against him. She is so impressed that she gives up her practice, goes to a rabbinical academy to convert to Judaism, and marries the young rabbi. The Talmud says that the seven mattresses, six of silver and one of gold, which were to be used in an illegitimate way, now will be used in a legitimate way. The Talmud concludes with the statement, this is the reward for wearing tzitzit in this world, and who knows how great the reward in the next world.

       I love this Talmudic passage because it gives us great insight into sexual ethics. The same act between the same two people on the same mattresses is illegitimate in one context, legitimate in another. Or perhaps a better way of putting it, the same act is unholy in one context and holy in another. In one context it is animal like - a man feeding his physical needs hiring a woman fulfilling her financial needs. There is no semblance of a relationship. They are two strangers, like so many young people today who meet for casual hook-ups. By the end of the story they are a married couple, there to meet each other's needs. Within this context of marriage, sex becomes holy, a way of serving God.

       If holiness is about rising above the animals within us, it might be worthy to think about the sexual life of animals. Most animals have sex face to back, not seeing the face of the other. Not so human beings. We usually have sex face to face, seeing and fulfilling the needs of the other. In fact, in the ancient tabernacle there were Cherubim above the Holy Ark. The Talmud teaches that the Cherubim were face to face with one another, a man and a woman in a sexual embrace. (Yoma 54a) This was the holiest spot where God actually spoke to Moses.

       In my book I wrote about a ladder of holiness. At the bottom of the ladder was sex that destroys, sexual practices that hurt another through such acts as exploitation, non-consent, or adultery. Higher up the ladder is sexual activity that may be ethical but still falls far short of holiness - casual sexual encounters which I often call recreational sex. Higher still is sex within the context of a loving, faithful relationship. The top of the ladder is sex between two people who have made a public commitment to one another through marriage. Even within marriage there are laws and traditions on how to make sex holy. (The issue of gays and sexual ethics raises many of the same issues. I will deal with this in a separate message.)

       We live in a culture where casual recreational sex, sometimes between total strangers, has become the norm. It has become a common theme in our popular culture - watch such movies as Knocked Up or The Forty Year Old Virgin. We have lost our sense of holiness. That is why I believe it is vital that we try to climb up the ladder, as we strive to make our sexual encounters not simply ethical but holy.

       May you and your family have a joyful, restful Shabbat.

Last Updated on Thursday, 02 February 2012 17:29